Lone Wolf

Word Count: 3,657

 

January 2014 was a sunny morning in the peak of the Zambian rainy season, his first day of school, a new school. With a sense of anxiety and excitement at what lay ahead for the next year and a half, he stepped out of his mother’s car. His name was Thulani, a 17-year-old high school graduate beginning his A ‘Levels. Having spent the preceding weeks preparing his clothes, covering and sourcing his books, he felt adequately prepared for the experience. Indeed, his family remarked at his enthusiasm. This however was no surprise. Thulani had always been a studious learner, accustomed to being at the upper end of his classes.

And so, as he walked into Hilltop academy, he entered with a confidence in his eye, a swagger in his step, aware of the challenge but emboldened by his track record which, he knew all too well. However, he would soon realize that not even this could have prepared him for the personal storms that lay ahead. And so, it began just as he had Imagined, a few social connections established, old friendships rekindled and study. By all accounts Thulani was a model student; amiable but diligent with his school work.

As most teenage boys, Thulani had an attraction to the opposite sex. A few days into his days at Hilltop, a certain Mutinta caught his eye. Not lacking in confidence, brimming with it, he approached her desk in the library, a room whose name belied what it was used for. Without a care as to whether she wanted his company or not, he took a seat next to her, maintained eye contact and proceeded to get to know her better. Mutinta, initially startled, began to warm up to the young man. There was little not to like; he had the looks, the brains and came from a good family. As he stood up to go back to his desk, Thulani felt rewarded for his boldness. This was a girl he could see himself developing a friendship with or more.

At this point, Thulani had re-connected with the few of his friends who had joined him from the Italian School of Lusaka. Having settled, he felt an assurance that his time here would be not too dissimilar from that at his high school. He yearned to get to school every day. There were, however, a few things he was unsure of, insecurities, as with every young person, but none too concerning.

It was a regular day. Thulani’s mother dropped him off at school. After class, he made his way to the library. At this stage, he and Mutinta, had developed a friendship. As he spoke to her, he noticed something, something peculiar and out of the ordinary. Not thinking much of it, his day was not affected. He was nevertheless, curious and so upon arriving home, did some research. Nothing could have prepared him for what he read. Another teenager would have probably responded differently, but Thulani obsessed over things. It was this tendency to obsess that made him an exceptional student. True to his nature, as he opened the pandora box of the internet, an obsession that would cause his tentative foundations to falter began to take root. From that day, his perception of himself changed. In retrospect he realized that it was more of a revelation of the fragility of his self-worth than a change.

Thulani began to question himself, particularly his ability to connect with others. He always did; however, this instance was unique in its marked severity. Never had his personal inquest affected his perception about life and caused his foundations to waver. In his mind, his life had come crumbling down. In his mind. Nothing external changed, aside from his perception of himself and with this, his confidence.

 A gradual change, with each passing day he appeared to be increasingly withdrawn and quiet. His friends were left unsure of how to approach the issue and so they drifted apart. To his credit, he did put up a resistance for a few days but, as the weight of his thoughts intensified, it became clear for himself and all connected to him, that this was no momentary melancholy.

As the dark clouds settled in, the outlook of Thulani’s life completely changed. Where awakening once brought excitement at all that lay ahead in the day, he now longed to fall asleep and dreaded the opening of his eyes in the morning. His mother noted a stark contrast in him and like his friends was left to wonder at the dark corner her son seemed to have turned. Being the caring mother, she was, she prodded her son on what was going on his life, a conversation which was revelatory of her son’s depressive state of mind. Heartbroken to hear the negativity in his recount of himself, she at the same time felt a deep sense of powerlessness, like a bystander watching her beloved son drown but incapable to do much other than assure him of her love and support.

One morning, en route to Hilltop, Thulani pleaded with his mother that he may not attend class, that she turns the car and they return home. Such was the overbearing nature of his depression. His mother, though would not relent. A tough woman, she was careful not to give her son the impression that he could run away from hardships. Lost for how to respond to everything that was going on in his life, Thulani soldiered on.

And so, after class, Thulani made his way to the library, head drooped. This was the oasis, so to say, away from the demands of A ‘Level studies. In its usual state, brimming with course mates, he stepped in. The energy in the room palpable, as teenagers enjoyed being young. In that moment, taking in what he was seeing and had seen for weeks, he feared his life as he knew it had changed, for the worse. In his pause, the disconcertment brought on by the divergence between this energy and his own, left him transfixed. He had never noticed this before; indeed, the disparity was new to him. In his heart of heart’s, he new that this day was a bad omen.

The library quickly became a melting point of most of his negative emotions. In a similarly quick manner, he almost always huddled his way to the back of the room, where he sat on a desk by himself. He had made a habit of sitting away from everything that was going on and taking an observatory role.

And so, he sat, isolated. At this stage, those who were sympathetic were in the minority. To many of the students, Thulani simply became that kid who seemed unable to connect. The loner. Life seemed to go on without him, a bystander in many respects, with the moments he would sit and watch his peers enjoy friendship, companionship, love even, being the hardest for him. The desire to connect was still alive, just muddled by a belief that he was defective in some way and so non-deserving of this basic human need. Times in the library evoked a wide range of emotions in the young man’s life, many of which were new to him and to which his repertoire of responses seemed insufficient. Unsure of how to process all this, he seemed to implode, reaching the end of himself.

He never forgot his former self, however. He was fully aware that life need not be this way. This notwithstanding, he was lost for how to recover this now past reality. Particularly troubling for him was his lost confidence with girls. As he reminisced on this, he would sometimes muster the confidence to approach a girl he found attractive, whatever little confidence he was left with. Once in the library, on a certain day, he saw an available seat next to Harriet, a fairly popular girl at the school. Students usually sat in pairs. This was a girl his former self would have no problems making a friend. He decided to take the bold move and sit with her. As soon as he sat, her face registered a look of displeasure.

Though she did not verbalize it, she seemed to wonder why the weird kid decided to sit next to her. She did however bring herself to comment on the smell of his tea, grimacing as she did so. His attempts to make conversation were blatantly rebuffed. After a minute or two, it was clear to Thulani that he had made the wrong decision. Immediately, he felt a sense of embarrassment, not only for his exposure to this girl’s rejection but also the ridicule of his peers who had witnessed the entire debacle. In the midst of this, he had to try and leave Harriet’s table gracefully, if at all there was a way to do this. Eventually getting up from the table, he made the walk of shame to his familiar spot, the back of the room.

The aftermath was characterized by much introspection on his part. If at all there was any ambiguity, this situation made it clear to Thulani, things had changed in his life. Further perplexing was his lack of knowledge on how to arrest the situation. Still reeling from the spectacle with Harriet, he decided to recline from all that was happening. His life had changed and the sooner he accepted that, the better. He still frequented the library. However, when everything was too much to bear, he would retreat to an empty classroom where the isolation proved easier to bear with.

In the midst of all this, he found solace in his books. It gave him a sense that not all had been taken from him. And so, he excelled in his studies, even more so than before his existential crisis. A form of escape, his books allowed him to leave the world where everything seemed to be falling apart and travel to one that was the complete opposite. It gave him a sense of control in his life, even as what he wanted the most seemed to be completely out of his power. In the process, Thulani became a prized student amongst his teachers, one on whom they placed their hopes to deliver excellent grades. This attention, however, further alienated him from his peers. Now not only was he weird but because of him, they were made to feel like underperformers.

 For a while Thulani stopped going to the library altogether, particularly when it was full. He would opt to spend his free time writing his English essays or doing some other school work. For a while it numbed the pain of isolation, but only for a while. All his teachers saw were the exceptional results and not the inner turmoil the young man was experiencing.

After a few more failed attempts at salvaging any remnants of his past life, Thulani settled in his new reality. Though difficult this acceptance made his life mildly more bearable. What others would find mundane for a teenager, he spent his life shuttling between home, Hilltop Academy, the City Library and Church on Sunday. There was nothing more, bar outings with his mother and sister here and there. No friends, no girlfriend and no social outings. It was a lot to endure. Though he did well at this, he reached a point where he felt he could bear it no more. And so, on one evening he approached his mother and grandmother and told them he wanted to take his life. “I see no point in being alive if just to suffer” were his words. This was no joke. His family knew something was amiss but that evening, his confession awoke his loved ones to the reality that they could lose him. Nearly breaking down in grief, the angst Thulani was experiencing became all the more real.

Mental health specialists few in Lusaka, his mother reached out to a clergy man. Thulani, a devout Christian himself knew, however, that he needed something more than prayer. And true to his instinct the subsequent meetings did little but pacify his emotions, briefly.

He wrote his final exams and prepared himself to leave Hilltop. Reminiscing on his ordeal at the institution, as he exited for the final time, a myriad of emotions sprung up in him. Never had he had to endure this much and while he was relieved it was over, he felt accomplished that he had gotten through it. Though he did not know it yet, he would learn in years to come this shattering of his foundations, was preparing him for a life grounded on firmer foundations.

He thus moved to the next chapter of his life and to his credit, not only did he pass his exams but did so with a substantial margin. He still had to go to university, at the same time his mother suggested he work before he does so and he liked the idea. Upon expressing this desire to a well-connected family friend, Thulani began an internship at a bank. He walked in with the usual excitement of a new chapter. He had never worked before and so most was novel. The enthusiasm masked his deep-seated issues which still plagued the young man. However, having lived with it for over a year now, he had developed a degree of mettle, he had to.

Early on, his colleagues noticed his work ethic. Before long he was being entrusted with responsibilities that ideally were not mean for a school leaver. He had a maturity about him, though; so much so that majority of the staff thought of him as a permanent staff member. Thulani had always been diligent with his work. His problems made this all the more important. As he thrived at work, his emotional state remained vulnerable. Though he had hoped the challenges of Hilltop would have remained there, the challenges of the “library” seemed to resurface at his place of work. He could not hide his awkwardness. At this point he was not only convinced that he was severely defective but that as a consequence he was no fun to be around. The library now became the cafeteria. As he did in the past, he retreated to a corner where he sat out of the eye of most on the peripheries.

With this the attendant emotions followed suit. It was in these moments that he felt the worst. Eventually the suicidal thoughts were provoked, but not strong enough to be acted upon.  On some mornings when his despondency was too much for him, he would ask his mother if he could not go to work. Just like Hilltop, she would not cave. Summoning what little energy he possessed, Thulani dragged himself to work. At this point, Thulani’s problem seemingly appeared perennial, his family fearing he may never surmount the challenge. Lost for options, Chanda, Thulani’s mother, took him to the sole mental institution in the country. The staff, who seemed to be taken by surprise by the arrival of a well-off looking mother and son, could not understand why a child of privilege would come there. Being accustomed to handling visibly unstable patients, Thulani’s case was peculiar to them, so much so they thought there was nothing wrong with the boy. Nonetheless the routine questions were asked, to which Thulani, now 18, answered all. It became clear, however, that they could not provide a solution. Approaching the end of a fruitless visit to this clinic, Thulani scanned his environment and took everything in. The lack of success did little to allay his fears of having to live the rest of his life this way. Trudging on, as he had done so many times, he left the clinic.

Back at work, his co-workers wondered where he had been in the morning. Starting with his superior, explaining to her that he was at a mental institution, seemed to evoke a blank look from her. It may not have been her place to provide an opinion on the matter, but inwardly she may have wondered about his mental state. The one colleague who cared enough to find out, pulled Thulani aside and asked him why he had to go to Chainama. David, a Loan officer, at the bank had taken Thulani as a young brother. He saw in him traces of his younger self and would often invite him to his desk. This time, he, however, felt compassion for the teenager, as he realized the gravity of the challenges that had befallen him. As they sat in an empty office, Thulani opened up, for the first time to anyone outside of his family.

“I have no friends” nearly breaking down from the heaviness in his heart, Thulani expressed. “Why don’t you have any friends” David asked, to which Thulani could not respond. This act of being vulnerable, however, opened the door to the support Thulani needed. From that day, David made a point to invite Thulani wherever he could, his home, his basketball games, in an effort to help him feel less isolated. This was the first friend Thulani had had in over a year, not to mention the first time he was invited to a social outing since his problems began. As the end of his contract neared, Thulani began to look back on his year spent at the Bank. Similarly challenging as Hilltop but he could sense a semblance of progress, a glimmer of hope you may. Much to his surprise on his last day his department organized a farewell and bought him a cake. It had been a while since he felt appreciated by people other than his family. Accustomed now to being the strange kid, the kid with no friends, he simply could not fathom that colleagues of his would go to such length to send him off. Moved by the gesture, Thulani could not hide his delight, proceeding to hug each and every one of his workmates. The act made him begin to wonder the legitimacy of his beliefs. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as he thought. Maybe others could like him. Maybe, he could have friends, even a lover possibly. Walking out of the premises for the last time, Thulani felt similar to his final departure from Hilltop. Proud of himself. Proud of his resilience. Proud of his vulnerability. He was not out of the woods yet, but the belief that things could get better, even more so than they were in the past, seemed to come alive in him.

It would be a few years, nevertheless, before he could experience complete respite. University and the challenges of early adulthood proved a tough obstacle with the complexities of human relations. Up until then, indomitable, at the height of his troubles he did consider dropping out, eventually deciding on taking a semester off, a time he used to get professional help outside the country. This, however, was preceded by a complete mental breakdown, now not only was he clinically depressed but also bipolar. His mother, at the time, working outside the country, suspended her work to attend to her son who was at the brink of going insane. Arriving at her family’s farm and finding Thulani in a heavily sedated state, seemed to provoke her resolve to go to any lengths to give him the help he needed, in spite of the cost.

Her trip came in the wake of a call from the most senior psychiatrist in Zambia, alerting her of Thulani’s critical condition. He feared if something was not done, his brain may be permanently damaged. As Thulani incessantly mumbled in Dr. Ravi’s office, male nurses had to be solicited to pin the young man down and administer anti-psychotics and a myriad of other antis. Finally, he slept, after spending 3 days without having done so.

This episode had brought, Thulani’s father in the picture, given his role as the only parent within the country. He, however, balked at the cost of remedying his son’s situation. Sadly, money was more important to him than the sanity of his eldest son. In the midst of all this, Chanda, realized she was her son’s only hope.

With assistance of a mental institution in Johannesburg, gradually, he learned to like himself and just as gradually, began to be comfortable with letting people in. Eventually, he began to question the validity of many of his rigid beliefs about himself. In no means an abrupt shift, rather a slow transition, which he himself could not notice, only waking up one nearly a year after leaving Papillon and realizing he saw himself differently. He looked forward to waking up once more, without however, dreading falling asleep. He lived in the moment, learning not to fight his emotional state rather observe it without any attachments. This detachment proved to be his panacea, learning to accept his downs and his ups thus removing much of the pressure he placed on himself. He learned to live life on life’s terms. He would go on to graduate as an Economist from the premium higher learning institution in Zambia. Finally overcoming his challenges, something he feared may never happen, he approached life with hope.

His family almost could not believe it. Today, he is a young man with a bright future. There is a sturdiness about him. He has tested the challenges of life and emerged on top. He may not have crowds of people he calls friends but he has learned to value the few in his life, his mother, grandmother and one or two friends. There is a joy in his soul; one he cannot seem to explain. Once a melting point of negative emotions, he now spends his time spreading positivity and love to those who cross his paths. Indeed, the saying that nothing lasts forever is ever truer for him.